the truth is

i'm scared.

after making the decision to leave, it was pure excitement that motivated me to tackle all the logistical issues that were presented before me. immunizations, vaccinations, medication, documentation, registration -- these were entries in a list that i simply had to check off as i completed the necessary tasks. and after checking off the last entry on that list, it suddenly occurred to me that i had done absolutely nothing.

was i being prayerful about all the preparation that needed to be done?

or was i just depending on myself?

today was the biggest reality check on this particular issue. i had registered for the gre's a few weeks into the summer after having made my decision to leave for africa for a year. i believed it to be most practical and convenient to take the test before my departure date in order to enroll in a graduate program next fall. my thought process was that if i prepared my application in advance and had taken care of everything before leaving, i would be able to completely focus on my missions trip this upcoming year without having to delay the process for school next year. with such an attitude, i spent many of my summer evenings studying for the gre's. i wasn't too worried about doing well or poorly as long as i received a decent score. and so i drove to alameda this morning to take the exam. i entered the door, sat down in the cubicle, and began the test. and three hours thereafter, i found myself canceling my score for the test.

what happened?

i was simply unprepared. i was foolish. i rushed into what seemed like the perfect opportunity set up for me, but really, i was setting up the opportunity for myself. i was planning ahead, but didn't realize that God might be holding different plans for me. and so after beating myself for clicking the "cancel" button, i was finally able to come to peace.

other thoughts have also been crossing my mind as i am preparing to leave this thursday -- rather ridiculous thoughts, actually:

what if i get malaria and never come back? what if i get attacked by wild animals and never come back?? what if get amnesia, don't remember anything, and never come back??? what if get too emotionally/mentally distraught that i never come back (normally)???? i guess i'm just worried i would never come back for one reason or another -_-;;

haha, but what am i saying.

who knows what will happen?

my worries will only be worries, and my plans will only be my plans; they will remain a fleeting thought.

so what should i do?

absolutely nothing.

just surrender myself wholly to God and allow Him to do all the work in changing me. and that itself is grueling preparation.

i don't know what will happen with school, wild animals, disease, or illnesses, but maybe there are things in this world that are too wonderful for me to know.

and i'm happy with that.

:)

Then Job replied to the LORD :
"I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted.
You asked, 'Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?'
Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know.
You said, 'Listen now, and I will speak; I will question you, and you shall answer me.'
My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you.
Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes."
- Job 42:1-6